fire horse, save me
March 14, 2026
if I think about it, it's been years since a plan I've had has worked out. I had plans for jobs and accessing health insurance, that seemed like they should have been within reach, that I still failed to get. I seeked out work I wanted to do, and almost found it, just for the person who was meant to give me the work to back out. I was editing a video the other day to remove any logos from a commercial I had made for an escape room. I was asked to make this commercial, and yet the person who asked me seemed to fight against anything I asked for to actually make it happen. I worked a job for three years, I did the best I could, and genuinely wanted to be able to move up there, just to be turned down for the position in favor of someone else. the details there get convoluted, but to me it felt like the decision was made baed on who they'd rather hang out with, rather than who was most capable for the job. I am feeling at times that I don't know how to play this game everyone else is, and I keep failing to grasp these rules everyone else knows so intuitively.
I've been thinking about where that puts me and my goals, and I've tried so hard to do the right thing, and fit into what I thought were the expectations society had for a functioning adult. but I have failed to find a job where I feel I am valued, and I still don't have health insurance, I barely have a retirement fund and I haven't put any money away in my savings for over a year.
all signs are putting towards that I need to give up this path. I thought it was a responsable path, I thought I was taking the boring route, but that I was being responsible. my aims weren't high, I just wanted a full time job as a supervisor of a visitor services team. the lofty part of this was that it was at a museum, but that was the only thing I asked out of the situation that seemed big. I wasn't trying to be a curator or anything like that, I was just trying to do customer service, only somewhere that I enjoyed. I left the museum and tried to find a path elsewhere, and I only found myself in a hob that is an even worse fit for me
so, what does any of this have to do with my art? I am kind of feeling tired from everything that I have gone through. I thought I had done everything right by everyone else's standards, and I thought I had been realistic. I still failed. I feel so defeated, and like I am hanging on by a thread, but I guess there is still a thread. I want to put this somewhere, that maybe I need to find a way to do things only for me. this idea is scary, to try to make my own way in life. I still don't know how I'll access the health insurance I need. I think at this point, we just need systemic changes on that front, and that we have a government and we have industries that actively want us to be uninsured. I don't know how to fight against that. but I want to be creative again. I was editing that puppet commercial, because while it was hell to work with the man who wanted, I enjoyed making it. I enjoyed learning how to make puppets, and I enjoyed filming it, and I enjoyed putting the clips together to make the video.
the world doesn't want me to fit it. it doesn't want a lot of us to fit in. I don't think I am special in that I am struggling with any of this. but I don't want to fight against something that has so clearly decided it does not want me to be a part of it. so I want to try to make room to do whatever I want. I unfortunately still need a job, but I want to see how many hours I can get away with cutting before I can't pay rent anymore. since I am not getting health insurance through them anyway, I don't want to give up half my life to this job I never wanted. with this free time I want to make whatever it is I feel like making. all of my smart ideas didn't work, so I think it's time to think up some stupid ideas. I don't know what I am going to do or where I am going to go, but I am hoping that I can carve out some time for me to make whatever it is I want to. maybe somewhere in that mess there will be a path for me.
oh, and if you wanted to see the puppets, here is the link to an unlisted youtube video for it.
happy new year
January 21, 2026
I think painting has been going okay. I've only ever worked with whatever leftover, second-hand paints others have handed down to me, so I don't have a lot of experience working with larger pallettes. I signed up for a painting class through the parks and rec program, and that didn't pan out. the desk people at the art center didn't know where the class was held when I got there, and when I went back into my account to see if I could find it on my own, I saw that they changed the class I signed up for. it was a painting basics sort of deal, but they made it a alla prima boot camp. I would have needed to do time pacing exercises. maybe it's not so bad I missed the first class, because that is not really the vibe I am looking for. but signing up did give me a good list of paints to start with, so I least I got that out of it.
I don't know what I don't know, and I hope I am not creating bad habits, but I think I am doing okay self teaching myself for now. it's been interesting to reframe how I imagine imagery. and when engraving a plate, I have to be much more careful. if I make a mistake it's harder to fix. I can just paint over anything I don't like. it's kind of more freeing in that sense. will painting be my new thing?
I've also been thinking about making a youtube channel. I wonder if I would like that better for sharing art thoughts, than doing that here. I have some spicy hot takes, and I am ready to start fights. I feel like YouTuber has become something so polished, and we are past the era of people just vlogging, but I still think it might be fun. I am not one for new year's resolutions, but I have projects I would like to work on. maybe this year will be the year I can do all of that.
thoughts on printmaking
December 6, 2025
when I deleted all my old posts here, I was hoping this could be a place to post more just general art thoughts, and maybe be less self-focused, but I don't know where else to talk about this. I guess it is art related.
I've been trying for a long time to find where I belong, but I never know how to go about it. after some events that left me feeling cast aside I decided to try to put myself out there more in any way I could. I decided to post a print I made recently to a printmaking group I am in on facebook. I guess my first mistake is being on facebook.
I've been having a lot of trouble getting my prints to come out. I don't have many good presses. my current press is one that is over 50 years old. it's press bed is a piece of wood, which I've never seen before, and I think this wood is a replacement. the springs to adjust the pressure look a little rusted, and I can't get fantastic pressure out of it, so I need to pile paper around my plates, along with the blankets. but it wotks better than the previsu two presses I've had.
so trying to print with this press is always a struggle, and sometimes it takes a few tries before a print comes out satifactory. I don't remember it being this hard when I was first learning, so I think I am just working with in less than ideal conditions. but I thought I was making it work. despite all the misprints that came out, I thought I had made one that looked good. I still saw some flaws, but I tried to convince myself that we are all our own biggest critics. sometimes I defend my work before people even comment, and I've been told to stop doing that. so I posted this print, hoping that people would focus on the good in it, and not the bad. I did mention it was made with a tetra pak, so at least the members knew I was using LO-FI DIY methods for creating my matrix.
I don't really care if I don't get a ton of comments or whatever. I usually don't get comments. I don't take it personally, I don't always comment either. but I did get a comment, and what the person said kind of shattered any hopes I had that no one would be picking my pieces apart. they asked if I hand printed my print, which I could have taken as just curiousty, since a lot of printers who print on tetra paks do hand print. but the second part, they asked if I had dampened my paper. I do dampen my paper. that's like rookie shit. so many people post prints that didn't come out well in that group, and when thy ask for advice the first thing they get is they need to dampen their paper before printing. so that comment was basically the polite way of them telling me my print looked like shit.
these questions just don't read as curiousity to me. and I know it doesn't seem like much, but I felt so anxious posting my print when I knew it wasn't the best it could be, but was the best I could do. so then to have someone ask me if I am doing the most simple basic step of printmaking really hurt. and it hurts even worse, because I have been trained to do this. I have taken classes. I know how to do this! but because I don't have access to the same standard of materals as I opnce had when I was in college, I guess it looks like I am hand printing my prints with undampened paper. I have been trying really hard for so long to make printmaking work, and I have been trying to convince myself that I am overcoming the obsticles in my life to make good or at least interesting work. but when everyone else is getting all these comments on how great their prints look, and I get a comment that amounts to are you sure you know what you're doing. all the worst stood out more than the good, just like I feared going in. I feel like I can't keep pretending that I am welcomed in the printmkaing world.
this isn't like a thing where I expect people to come and tell me how good my prints actually are. if people felt that way, I just wish they said it more and sooner. but the negative comments are the ones that came through first, so any compliments I get now will just feel hallow. and honestly, the doubt was always there. I had to convince myself that it was better than it was. I had to convince myself it was worth showing off, and that people would want to see it. it was a deliberate effort on my part, to convince myself that I did the best I could, and that I made something other's might enjoy. and it was hard to get myself to believe that, because I actually do know something about printmaking. despite how my prints look. I actually know exactly how it looks. I know where the fall short. so I had to convince myself that no one actually cared they weren't perfect either. that good enough is still good enough.
this is more about holding myself accountable to leave behind what I need to leave behind. I don't want to give up making art, but I think I need to give up on printmaking being my thing. I haven't gotten any indication that it is worthwhile, and it has been a struggle to make anything, and when all that struggle leads to getting shot down when you were just trying to put what you made out there, it feels really disheartening. I am not sure where to go from here, but I've been doing printmaking as my main thing for so long, but I think I need a reavaluation of my art direction. so I am going to start trying to look for other paths I can take my art, if I am not doing printmaking. I just don't know where to look or where to start, when starting all over.
hello world
May 15, 2025
re-vamping this page. I would like to get more use out of this at some point.